I was away yesterday, spending most of the day doing my homework, which means getting the arrangements of my songs down so I can start putting demos of them together for my upcoming recording sessions. Super excited about that.
On the quitting weed front though, the insomnia aspect of marijuana detox has reared its ugly head again, so there hasn’t been much sleep this week. I’ve been a tad cranky too. Guess I still have some ground to cover to get out of the proverbial woods. It’s possible that some of that crankiness might be coming from another part of my life though.
So, my daughter, who’s nineteen, is in a production of Camelot at our local community college. She’s been rehearsing every weeknight for over a month, and last night was opening night. That part makes me elated, not cranky. She’s been wanting to be in a play for a long time. The crankiness possibly comes from the fact that she’s been spending a pretty good deal of time lately with the guy who plays King Arthur, the lead in the play (and who’s pretty damned talented, I begrudgingly admit). I sat through the play last night giving King Arthur a pretty good dose of the stink eye, much to the amusement of my wife, who is taking things much better than I am.
This is really my daughter’s (and my) first experience with something like this. She managed to get through high school just hanging with friends and not really caring much for the cliquey nonsense that goes with the social aspect of high school. For a dad, you can’t ask for a better situation. She got almost to twenty without dealing with boys and everything that comes with them, and now, out of nowhere, BOOM! I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with this until she was at least thirty.
It’s got me all messed up. I hate to think that if I were still using that I’d just numb up and not worry about it. I don’t even want to think about that…this is my only daughter and my baby, for crying out loud! I’m not using though, so I’m really having to feel the entire scope of emotions that go with this. I’m sad about potentially being replaced as the man in my daughter’s life. I’m scared of this guy’s intentions, since I don’t know him yet. I’m even a little angry because she hasn’t been completely honest with me about it, fearing my disapproval. I feel kind of like Brian Cranston’s character in the film Why Him? Yes, I’m a bit protective.
What I know for sure is I’m so flustered I couldn’t even focus during my meditation this morning. My mind was racing around like a dog just out of the bathtub. What if this, and what if that. I’ve got some work to do in order to get myself back to the happy place I’ve lived in since quitting my job, and I know I have to keep reminding myself that all I can really do is surrender what I can’t control to the Universe and know everything will work out. We are always going to have our ups and downs. That’s just life. It’s how we respond to the downs that defines us and builds character.
After the play last night my wife and I met our daughter in the lobby, told her what a great job she did and gave her the customary flowers. I knew we were going to have to meet Arthur, and before long we did. I must say I handled this “down” pretty well, because even though the first thing he said to me was to complement my jacket (ass kisser, I thought), I managed to avoid bombarding him with all the questions I had banging around in my head. What are your intentions with my daughter? What do your parents do? How do you earn a living? Did my daughter tell you I have access to a van with no windows? (I don’t really)
Instead I remained calm, and even surprised myself a little. I could tell he was nervous, so I pulled the plug on the twenty questions and kept things to small chit chat about the play. It lasted only a few minutes, and then my wife and I said goodbye and left to go home so I could get into bed and toss and turn all night…again.
Time is going to tell how this all turns out, and I’m going to be feeling all the emotions along the way. I’m probably not always going to like them, but it’s all part of committing to quitting. The Universe works in mysterious ways, for sure. It’s like it was pre-ordained that I was going to have to be sober in order to deal with this properly, because it all happened at the same time in my life.
My daughter seems to be very happy, and for that I’m grateful. That’s really the most important thing in all of this. She’s experiencing something new and exciting in her life, and it’s about her, not me. I just have to remember that when I’m out looking for a new van.
Have a great weekend!
Yours in Freedom From Weed.