Day 44. I’m still kickin’. Kickin’ the weed habit, that is. I had a super fun weekend, most of it revolving around a Kentucky Derby party that a friend of ours throws every year and helping her to prepare for it. This weekend also served as a reminder, though, of how easy it is to fall out of one’s routine and off the rails completely. I drank quite a bit over the three days, actually getting pretty drunk on Friday night. I don’t like that. I don’t like to lose control.
Still, I have to be honest. More and more I’m finding I’m having to fight off the urge to have a drink a lot of days after I’m done working. I knew that was going to be a possible issue once I quit weed, so I’ve had my guard up…apparently not up enough. Sunday, when I finally was able to get a little relaxation time, I spent a lot of the day thinking about whether or not I was going to have a beer or a glass of wine, both of which I had in stock thanks to some friends who dropped them off as birthday gifts for me.
Since I’ve been smoking, drinking or both for most of the last thirty years or so, this is likely an issue that’s not going to go away easily, so I’ve been working on what it is about my make-up that requires me to want to medicate on a nightly basis. I don’t have any problems during the day as I did when I was smoking the hippy hay, but once work ends and dinner time rolls around I start to get the urge, especially if I’m preparing dinner. A glass of wine just seems to pair well with chopping vegetables. But that glass can lead to another, and then another, and…well, you see where I’m going.
I’ve decided that, at least in the short term, it’s probably a combination of the stresses of my daughter’s newfound romantic interests along with the stresses of having a limited income since quitting my job that are pushing me toward medicating with vitamins W (wine) and B (beer).
The truth is though, no matter what happens in my life that causes me stress, chemicals have always been the way I’ve wanted to handle it, so it’s becoming clearer every day that it’s going to be important to learn how to handle my stress in new ways. I refuse to use alcohol for that purpose, so I’ve been thinking about giving that up too, and I’m just stubborn enough to be successful. My ultimate goal is to be able to tame those urges without having to go to treatment or attend meetings. That’s just me. I always have to do things on my own.
Another reason to make such a move is that I spend a lot of money as a result of alcohol, besides the money I actually spend on alcohol itself. I’ll crave a pizza after a night of drinking, which flies smack into the face of the diet my doctor says I should follow. I do really well with that until the weekend rolls around, and then the wheels fall completely off.
I’m learning a lot of new things about myself as I’ve moved forward. I’ve made self-help work a big part of my daily routine, and I find I feel much better overall as a result. With quitting weed I’m just treating each new day as the first day of my new journey, so I’ll do the same with alcohol if I decide I can’t control it and have to quit. I’m very aware that most people don’t get completely clean by themselves, and I understand the challenges. I also think, however, that once I’m ready mentally to quit something I have a pretty good track record. I also have my writing to help me along, which I find very therapeutic.
I wrote in one of my very early posts that I don’t intend to replace my weed addiction with another addiction, so in the coming days I’m going to stay keenly aware of my cravings for alcohol and how I respond to them. My doctor tells me he has no problem with me having one or two drinks a day. If I can do that, including on weekends, I figure my wheels will stay where they are…on. I’ll let you know how it’s going.
That’s it for today…busy afternoon ahead.
Yours in freedom from weed.